If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
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Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago