@bazecraze

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

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@dril

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

@my_minivan_life

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

@mommajessiec

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

@AmandaDuberman

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

@daemonic3

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

@AdamOfEarth

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.