If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

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my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl


No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything


I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.


Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.


My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.


“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.


Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.