If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
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Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.