IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
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The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak