If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
This rocks
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.