If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
![]()
You Might Also Like
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Driving a newer car is like oh weird this one doesn’t have Shake on Highway, maybe they stopped making that feature
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.