if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
You Might Also Like
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I bet birds love this building.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.