if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.