If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
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me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.