If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.