If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
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If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Bond. Trauma bond.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men