If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I love the National Park Service.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.