If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
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FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
That’s enough internet for the day
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Always a metermaid never a meter
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’