If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
You Might Also Like
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My dad.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
what?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.