If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
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Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Nice try Hitler
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
brian had himself a morning…
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Rooting for the overdog