If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
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Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes