If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
You Might Also Like
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am: