@iscoff

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

You Might Also Like

@daddygofish

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

@noog

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

@aimeevc1970

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

@awescar

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

@10InchesPlus

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

@JennyJohnsonHi5

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

@Reverend_Scott

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

@Havish_AF

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.