If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
some Old Testament wisdom
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.