If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

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My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.


Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.


When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”


A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.


Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.


I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move


At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.


Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.


I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.