If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Am I having a stroke?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets