If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
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7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
want me to check your oil?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing