@clichedout
@VerbsRProudest 8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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@VerbsRProudest 
@longwall26 If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
@PleaseBeGneiss 5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
@goldengateblond Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
@AnOrangeSNES FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
@UnicornSyrup My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
@DaddyJew My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
@MasterOfFury Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
@JimmerThatisAll Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
@theDanLawler I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.