if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
You Might Also Like
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
My wife gives the best headache.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
😩😩😩
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.