if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
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me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.