If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.