if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
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[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.