If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
You Might Also Like
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.