If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Crying is a sign of leakness.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.