if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Monday Lisa
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
selfie game
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?