If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
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Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving