if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
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He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
S M O L
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*weighs self after shaving
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”