If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
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I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Print is alive and well!!!
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
My first son he is wonderful
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I like crazy people until they notice me
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.