if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
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Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.