if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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