If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
britain’s three elite institutions
“Sheer Arrogance”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
58.
Swedish for common sense.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.