if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?