IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
You Might Also Like
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.