if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
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Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*