If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
No way!
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS