If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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my mom making me talk to relatives
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew