If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
another case of gang violins
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
no regrets
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.