If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
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What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?