If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
This did not end as expected.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Body by cheese-puffs.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
SPLOOT
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup