If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Mornin
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.