If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

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A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.


Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically


*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.


Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach


“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women


Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.


Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?


[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2


90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.