If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
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My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
This pepper has seen some shit
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”