If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
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Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Breaking news:
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now