@ihyjuju

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

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@OlanDevine

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

@Dawn_M_

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

@ericsshadow

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

@mikeleffingwell

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

@OzKamal

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

@shanethevein

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

@ristolable

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

@Dawn_M_

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

@captainolya

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

@13spencer

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.