if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
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[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.