If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.