If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no