If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
You Might Also Like
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.