“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.