If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
every. time.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Erm…
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting